That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
