I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
