why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
