M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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