I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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