I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
