My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
