you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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