fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
40s are totally the cure
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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