last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
