Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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