I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Randomize
