Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
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