I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
