So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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