Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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