I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
