you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
