Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
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