So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
