i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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