Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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