Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I think i got beer on your cat.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
