thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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