i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
