Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
