can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
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