Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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