My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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