New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize