Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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