it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
