I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
