I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Randomize
