All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
He better not be in your backpack
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
