A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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