I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
BRING THE BAGELS
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
