What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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