i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
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