Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
