overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
