i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
