Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
