you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
