I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
