Don't make out with my wife yet
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
