can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
