you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
