A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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