who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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