I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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