You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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