i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
