This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
did i just pee glitter
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
