On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I skipped work to stalk him.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
