the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
